Are You ENM for the Right Reasons?

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is gaining visibility, and with that comes an influx of people exploring it for the first time. But while curiosity is natural, it’s worth asking: Are you embracing ENM for the right reasons?

1. Are You Running From Something or Toward Something?

If you're seeking ENM because you’re bored in your current relationship, struggling with commitment, or hoping it will fix a failing partnership, pause. ENM isn’t a band-aid for deeper relationship issues—it’s a framework that thrives on honesty, communication, and emotional security.

Healthy ENM isn’t about escaping discomfort. It’s about intentionally embracing multiple meaningful connections, not just avoiding the challenges of monogamy.

2. Do You See ENM as a Free-for-All or a Responsibility?

ENM doesn’t mean “no rules.” It’s not about doing whatever you want without regard for others’ feelings. Ethical non-monogamy requires more communication, more emotional labor, and more self-awareness than monogamy.

If you’re approaching ENM as a way to “have your cake and eat it too” without investing in the emotional needs of multiple partners, you might not be practicing it ethically.

3. Are You Comfortable with Jealousy and Insecurity?

Many people assume that non-monogamous people don’t experience jealousy. That’s false. The difference is that those practicing ENM successfully learn to process jealousy in healthy ways.

If you feel jealousy, can you sit with it, communicate about it, and work through it constructively? Or do you react with control, resentment, or avoidance? Learning to navigate these emotions is crucial.

4. Are You Being Honest with Yourself and Your Partners?

One of the biggest pitfalls in ENM is a lack of transparency. Are you upfront about your expectations? Are you clear about your emotional and physical boundaries? Are you honest with yourself about what you truly want?

If you’re hiding things from your partners or even yourself, that’s not ethical—it’s just dishonest. Successful ENM is built on mutual trust and open communication.

5. Do You Respect Your Partners as Full Human Beings?

ENM isn’t just about your experience—it’s about everyone involved. If you see partners as disposable, interchangeable, or only as a means to fulfill your own desires, that’s not ENM; it’s just selfishness.

Everyone you engage with has emotions, needs, and boundaries. Are you willing to show up for them as much as you want them to show up for you?

The Right Reasons Matter

There’s no single “correct” way to do ENM, but there are wrong reasons to enter it. If your motivations come from a place of avoidance, entitlement, or dishonesty, you’ll likely struggle. But if you’re driven by self-awareness, respect, and a genuine desire for deeper connections, you’re on the right track.

ENM isn’t for everyone—but for those who approach it with care and intention, it can be an incredibly fulfilling way to love and connect.